Cloud's New Do
by sakuramae
Summary: SCENES 4, 5, AND 6 UP! Seen Emperor's New Groove? Well, this is VERY similar to that...well, of course, with a few twists and minor changes...RR!
1. Default Chapter

~Okay, here's my attempt in writing an FFVII story. I know it's kinda long, but bear with me. Comments, flames, don't be afraid to review!

Scene 1

(Yuffie comes in, carrying a sign, saying, "Come eat at Kisaragi's now, and your wallet might not get stolen!" Then, a chocobo enters, also carrying a sign that says, "This movie is presented to you by Shinra Productions, so don't be afraid to sue.")

_Rufus: Hey! You can't sue us! We're an all-powerful incorporation! How dare they! _

_Reno: Just relax and enjoy the movie, President, sir. _

_Rufus: Urgh…this better be good._

(Yuffie comes in again, this time, holding up the title of the sign, beginning with, "Cloud's New Do. Long ago, somewhere deep in the Ancient Forest…")

Cloud: (enters, in a llama outfit) Um…is the tape rolling?

Yuffie: Act already!

Cloud: (sits on a rock and starts to wail unemotionally) Aah… Wee-be-be-bee. 

_Rufus: Is this guy serious? _

Cloud: (continues) Will you take a look at me. Pretty pathetic, huh? This movie's pretty pathetic, too. 

Yuffie: CLOUD!! SAY YOUR LINES! 

Cloud: Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. 

Barret: (could be heard whispering from the set) Human? More like a deformed mutant from another world! 

Cloud: I heard that! And when I get back there you're going to get a taste from my damn sword! 

Barret: Oh yeah? Well @$#@ you too! 

Yuffie: Cloud, your lines… 

Cloud: I hear you! Sheesh. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. (turns around to Yuffie) Do I have to say this part? 

Yuffie: Don't make me go over there and kill you! 

Cloud: Fine. That guy was a rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. 

Red XIII: Doesn't he mean "my story"? It is, after all, him who is the llama.
    
    Cloud: The name is Cloud. Emperor Cloud. Hey, I like that. Anyway, I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason! Who, you ask? SHINRA!
    
    
    _Rufus: Hey! This isn't good advertising for our company!
    _
    
    _Reeve: Eh…well, you haven't seen the whole movie yet, President.
    _
    
    _Rufus: Fine. I will watch this stupid movie…(grumbles)_
    
    
    Cloud: Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what, you go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. (a projector comes in showing Cloud as a bouncing baby boy) Hey, I said stop. STOP! That's a little too far back, dammit!.
    
    
    Tifa: Aww…Cloud, look! It's you as a baby!
    
    
    Cloud: …
    
    
    Baby Cloud: Waaaah! I WANT CANDY! I WANT FOOD! I WANT HAIR GEL!
    
    
    _Elena: Hehe…funny baby, isn't he?
    _
    
    _Rufus: Shut up.
    _
    
    _Elena: Yes, sir._
    
    
    Cloud: Ahem! All right! I SAID ALL RIGHT!! MOVE AHEAD ALREADY!
    
    
    Cid: Wait, we want to see how you eat your baby food.
    
    
    Cloud: YUFFIE!
    
    
    Yuffie: FINE! (fast forwards video to Cloud's em…modern age) HAPPY?!
    
    
    Cloud: Oh yeah!
    
    
    (Barret comes in with a microphone.)
    
    
    Cloud: You're my theme song guy?
    
    
    Barret: You got a problem, foo?!
    
    
    Cloud: Erm…I guess not…
    
    
    Barret: (clears throat and blasts the music, then begins to rap) There are despots and dictators
    
    
    Political manipulators (SHINRA)
    
    
    There are bluebloods with the intellect of fleas
    
    
    There are kings and petty tyrants
    
    
    Who are so lacking in refinements
    
    
    They'd be better suited swinging from the trees (SHINRA)
    
    
    _Rufus: I don't like this message they're giving…
    _
    
    Barret: He was born and raised to rule
    
    
    No one has ever been this cool
    
    
    In a thousand years of aristocracy
    
    
    An enigma and a mystery
    
    
    In Final Fantasy history
    
    
    The quintessence of perfection that is he
    
    
    Cid: What the #!!@$#$@ is he sayin'?!
    
    
    Barret: Shut the @&!@^$ up, foo!
    
    
    Cloud: (points to the projector with him dancing) This is NOT the real me.
    

Yuffie: CLOUD! 

Cloud: Okay, this is the real me. (points to himself in the llama costume) Not this! (points to projector) This! (llama) Not this. (projector) Winner. (llama) Loser. 

Barret: Okay, we get the point.

Cloud: (points to palace in projector) Okay, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Ooh…really? Check this out. Butler! (Vincent appears) Chef! (Cid appears, muttering) Theme song guy! 

Barret: WHAT?! 

Cloud: Sing, dammit! 

Barret: Oh yeah!
    
    He's the sovereign lord of the nation
    
    
    He's the hippest cat in creation
    
    
    He's the alpha, the omega, a to z
    
    
    And his perfect world will spin
    
    
    Around his every little whim
    

'Cause his perfect world begins and ends with—

Cloud: (while song plays, Cloud runs out with the projector and comes back without the llama costume. He interrupts Barret at the end) ME!

Barret: SHUT UP! I WASN'T DONE YET!

Cloud: ME!
    
    Barret: What's his name? Cloud-o...That's his name.... Cloud-o... He's the king of the world! Cloud-o... Is he hip or what? Cloud-o... (stops singing) This song really sucks! (leaves)
    
    
    Cloud: Alright! (starts dancing and bumps into Cid, who ruined part of his hair) Hey, you threw off my do!
    

Vincent: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the emperor's do.

Cid: I don't give a @#$%#!

Vincent: You're supposed to say "sorry."

Cid: Fine! SORRY!

Cloud: Throw him out anyway, Vincent.

Cid: WHAT?!

Vincent: (takes Cid and throws him out of the scene)

Cid: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!

Cloud: Barret! YOU WERE SAYING?!?!

Barret: (grumbles and comes back) What's his name? Cloud-o! Cloud-o... That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah! Oww! Cloud-oooooooooo.... 

Cloud: Boom baby! 

_Rufus: (shivers) What have they done? They've turned Cloud into a monster…_

_Rude: You did want a change in the movie business. _

Vincent: Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.

Cloud: Oh yeah! Hello ladies! Let's have a look see!

(Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Elena, Priscilla and Marline come in)

_Rufus: Elena, don't tell me you're the one who wrote the anonymous letter about watching this movie…_

_Elena: Eheh…why no, sir. Really… _

_Rufus: (sigh) I hate my life. _
    
    Cloud: (looks at Elena) Hate your hair, love mine.
    
    
    Elena: Punk…
    
    
    Cloud: (looks at Marline and cringes) Not likely, (passes by Aeris) Maybe… (passes by Tifa) Maybe…(sees Priscilla) YIKES!
    
    
    Priscilla: But, Cloud, I wanted to marry you after you saved my life!
    
    
    Cloud: Get her away! (sees Yuffie) Oh, let me guess, you have a great personality. (glares at Vincent) Is this really the best you could do?
    

Vincent: Did you want me to get Lucrecia, too?

Cloud: Never mind……

Vincent: Oh, and then there's the dinner you have to prepare for, as well as the ceremony of your kingship…(keeps talking)

Cloud: (looks to the audience and points to Vincent) What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up! Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Too bad! (Yuffie's shuriken shoots out, nearly missing Cloud's hair, and he gulps) Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Sephiroth. 

(the Sephiroth theme starts to play, and scene fades to show Sephiroth coming in through the palace) 

Sephiroth: I came to see the emperor Cloud. I have to deal with him about something.

Tseng: I'm sorry, sir, you must have a summons to enter the palace.

Sephiroth: (stabs Tseng) Don't get in my way.

_Elena: That's how Tseng died! Sephiroth killed him!_

_Reno: Good riddance… _

Cid: (comes flying through the window and lands in front of Sephiroth) Ah! Oof…(sees Sephiroth) AAH! (sees his javelin) Um…pardon me, that's mine.

Sephiroth: …(stares at Cid with piercing eyes)

Cid: (slowly and carefully gets his javelin and stands up)

Sephiroth: (finally) What happened to you?

Cid: I #!@($^@ threw off Cloud's do.

Sephiroth: What?
    
    Cid: His do! The @#@$!& rhythm in which he #!@#$#@ lives his !@#$%^ life! His #!$@#@ pattern of #$!#%$# behavior! I @$%# threw it off, and the !$@% Emperor had me @#%@ thrown out the #@#%@ window!
    

Sephiroth: Serves you right. You never mess with a man's hair.

_Elena: And to think, I thought women cared more for their hair. _

_Reno: Look at him! He's obsessed like Cloud!_

Cid: DON'T THROW OFF HIS DO!

Sephiroth: …Whatever.

Cid: Beware the do…

Sephiroth: Uhuh.

Cid: …Do…

Sephiroth: SHUT UP ALREADY!! (blasts Ice2 at Cid, who finally scurries away)

Cloud: You see what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he is nothing compared to what's coming up next. Yeah, whew, when you see this, man, you've seen everything… 

Tifa: (comes in)

Cloud: Tifa? What happened to Scarlet? Isn't she supposed to be Yzma?

Tifa: She apparently went into a fight with Sephiroth and lost. Now I have to take her place for the whole movie.

Cloud: What?! But…I can't make fun of you!

Tifa: Oh, try your hardest, sheesh. (smiles at Rude) And why have you come here today?

Rude: (says unintelligibly) Well, your Highness, I mean, your Grace…

_Rufus: …You, too, Rude?_

_Rude: … _

_Rufus: I can't believe you people… _
    
    Cloud: Okay, gang, check out this piece of work. (looks at Tifa admiringly) Whew! And what a piece of work!
    
    
    Yuffie: CLOUD!
    
    
    Cloud: Uh…this is Tifa, the Emperor's advisor. Living proof that erm…dinosaurs once roamed the earth?
    
    
    Tifa: (rolls eyes) You are so believable…
    
    
    Cloud: And let's not forget Tifa's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called RedXIII.
    

Red XIII: Correction, I am not a man, but an intellectual canine species who has the ability to think and talk like a human.
    
    Cloud: Yup, that's Red. Now, lately, Tifa's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinkin', that's gotta stop.
    
    
    Tifa: (to Rude) Aww…your family needs food? Well, too bad! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants! We're through here. Take him away. Next!
    
    
    Rude: Wait…
    
    
    Tifa: I said NEXT!
    
    
    Cloud: Whew…a bit too harsh, Tifa.
    
    
    Tifa: Ugh…
    
    
    Cloud: The nerve of those peasants, huh?
    
    
    Tifa: Tell me about it…AAH!
    
    
    Cloud: What? It's only me.
    
    
    Tifa: No, it's your hair.
    
    
    Cloud: WHAT?!
    
    
    Tifa: (laughing) Joking, just joking.
    
    
    Cloud: Ahem…you were doing it again.
    
    
    Tifa: (innocently) Doing? Doing? Doing what?
    
    
    Cloud: Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor.
    
    
    Tifa: Oh, but, your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters...(continues to chatter)
    
    
    Cloud: Whoah…look at that face…she's really something. How does this woman keep herself up like this? What the—how long has it been since her hair was better than mine?
    
    
    Tifa: Cloud…
    
    
    Red: Good thinking, Tifa. What do you say, Cloud? (pats Cloud's hair)
    
    
    Cloud: Whoah! No touchy! No touchy! DON'T TOUCH THE DAMN HAIR!
    
    
    Vincent: (enters) Um…excuse me, your highness, but Sephiroth seems to be hunting for you, and if you don't send for him now, he's going to kill off every guard you have here in the palace.
    
    
    Cloud: Okay, then send him in, sheesh. The nerve of that guy. No patience. (looks at Tifa) Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
    
    
    Tifa: Fired? What do you mean, fired?!
    
    
    Cloud: Well, for one thing, you're taking my job. And another thing, you have better hair than me.
    
    
    Tifa: What?
    
    
    Cloud: Uh, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outplacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option. Take your pick. I've got more!
    
    
    Tifa: But I've served your family for years…
    
    
    Cloud: OUT OF MY CHAIR!
    
    
    Tifa: FINE!
    
    
    Yuffie: CUT!
    
    
    Cloud: WHY?!?!
    
    
    Yuffie: That's the end of the scene, my gosh.
    
    
    Cloud: Okay, do what she says, CUT!
    


	2. Scene 2

~Well, here's another chapter for this story.... Hope you like this one as well! ^-^
    
    Scene 2
    
    
     (Sephiroth barges in the palace, and approaches Cloud)
    
    
    Sephiroth: We're going to have a little talk, Cloud.
    
    
    Cloud: Ah, there you are, the head village man!
    
    
    Sephiroth: I…huh?
    
    
    Cloud: Sephiroth! That's right, you're just the man I wanted to see!
    
    
    Sephiroth: (looking confused) I am?
    
    
    Cloud: Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?
    
    
    Sephiroth: No.
    
    
    Cloud: Good, good, that's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
    
    
    Sephiroth: Well, I know that my village has the best hairstyles around. And—my village?
    
    
    Cloud: Oh yeah. You've got a pretty sweet little setup up there on top of that hill, don't ya, hahahaha!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Yeah, my family and I have lived on that hilltop for the last 700 years.
    
    
    Cloud: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
    
    
    Sephiroth: Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, your hair could be highlighted just right…
    
    
    Cloud: Well, that settles it.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Really?
    
    
    Cloud: Yup. Problem solved, thanks for coming.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Your welcome…HEY! I DIDN'T COME HERE TO HELP YOU!!
    
    
    Cloud: I just needed an insider's opinion before I okayed this spot for my parlor.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Uh, your parlor?
    
    
    Cloud: Boo-yah! (a model of fifty joint hair parlors appear in the middle of a table) Welcome to Cloud-o-topia, my ultimate summer getaway! Complete with hair dressers and stylists!
    
    
    _Rufus: (snickers) They make Cloud sound so gay…
    _
    
    _Cloud: Hey, I heard that, you know.
    _
    
    _Rufus: How'd you get in here?
    _
    
    _Cloud: What? Did you think the cast wasn't going to watch themselves being made a fool of?
    _
    
    _Reno: …Guess not.
    _
    
    Sephiroth: What?
    
    
    Cloud: Isn't it great? (hugs model) It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
    
    
    Sephiroth: …I don't understand how this could happen.
    
    
    Cloud: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word, and your town will be destroyed to make way for this! (points at model and starts to sing "Time to Say Goodbye") So if I were you, I'd pick up some change of address forms on the way home.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Where will we live then?
    
    
    Cloud: Hm…don't know, don't care. How's that?
    
    
    Sephiroth: Oh, but, wait…YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!
    
    
    _Cid: I told you not to throw off his !#@#$ do, Sephiroth.
    _
    
    _Sephiroth: I was there to kill him, not to have him strip away the only land I have!
    _
    
    _Cid: Well @%^!@ it.
    _
    
    Cloud: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye! Boo-hoo. (scene fades and he is talking) Oh, yeah, everything was going my way. Or, so I thought.
    
    
    (the scene appears on Tifa and Red XIII)
    
    
    _Reno: Oh yeah! Finally someone decent!
    _
    
    _Cloud: Reno…you get away from my girl…
    _
    
    _Elena: …Stop fooling around, I want to watch this…
    _
    
    Tifa: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is? Does he have any idea of who he's dealing with? How could he do this to me?
    
    
    Red: Well, all these questions are simple, really. The ungrateful little worm thinks he's emperor, and he's dealing with you, who's supposed to be the bad guy. And he fired you by simply saying that you were fired.
    
    
    Tifa: Red, you're not helping one bit. (practices her punches and hits the punching bag, with Cloud's face in the front) DIE!! DIE!!
    
    
    _Cloud: Gee, Tifa, I didn't know you took it so seriously.
    _
    
    _Tifa: You're the one who fired me.
    _
    
    _Cloud: But that's what they told me to do!
    _
    
    Red: Yeah, well, it's better that you're taking out your anger on that picture than on the real Cloud.
    
    
    Tifa: (lights up) That's it, Red, that's it! I'll get rid of Cloud!
    
    
    Red: Yeah, and tell me why?
    
    
    Tifa: Um…I'm not very sure…
    
    
    Red: (sighs) Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, you'll take over and rule the empire! Brilliant!
    
    
    Tifa: Yeah, that's it! But how does that work with me being fired and all?
    
    
    Red: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
    
    
    Tifa: To the secret lab! Pull the lever, Red! (Red pulls a lever, and Tifa falls into a pit with chocobos.) WRONG LEVER! (She comes in, muttering) Why do we even have that lever? Come on! Hop in! (she pulls the other lever, and a roller coaster track car comes into place. Red and Tifa board it.)
    
    
    Yuffie's voice: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
    
    
    Tifa: Whee! Faster, faster! Red, put your hands in the air! (puts hands in air) Woo-hoo!
    
    
    Red: I think I'm gonna be sick… (the two land inside the lab)
    
    
    Tifa: (looks around) Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives -- ahahahahaha! -- I'll smash it with my own fist! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this! (gets a bottle of green liquid) Take it, Red, feel the power!
    
    
    Red: (throwing up at the distance) Wait…BLEH!
    
    
    Tifa: Ew…
    
    
    Red: Yeah, I feel the power.
    
    
    Tifa: Our moment of triumph approaches! (suddenly, the whole area gets dark) It's DINNERTIME!
    
    
    _Rufus: How'd it get so dark already?
    _
    
    _Aeris: Actually, poor Tifa had to stand there all day until the sun went down. Yuffie insisted.
    _
    
    _Tifa: I'm never doing another stand-in again. The author better make me the main character in the next story…
    _
    
    _Author: Well…that depends…
    _
    
    _Rufus: Will you guys shut up back there?
    _
    
    _Aeris: Can't help it. You asked us a question.
    _
    
    Tifa: (dressed up in a very cute outfit) So, is everything ready for tonight?
    
    
    Red: (looks at Tifa) Isn't that a bit too much? I mean, I arranged this to be a romantic evening, but…
    
    
    Tifa: (glares) Not the dinner! You know…
    
    
    Red: Oh, riiiiiiiight….The poison. The poison for Cloud. The poison chosen specially to kill Cloud. Cloud's poison. That poison?
    
    
    Tifa: Yes! Say it however you want it! Sheesh! I'm gone!
    
    
    Red: Got your back covered.
    
    
    Cloud: Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub! I am one hungry king of the world! So...no hard feelings about being let go? I certainly don't have any hard feelings about you having better hair than me, am I?
    
    
    _Cloud and the rest of the cast: (cringes)
    _
    
    _Rufus: My goodness, if you didn't like this movie so much, why did you act in it?
    _
    
    _Barret: (mutters) Mainly because it would be broadcasted throughout the whole world and children could watch it. When they see that Shinra is no good for you, they'll all join AVALANCHE…hehe…brilliant plan…
    _
    
    _Rufus: WHAT?!
    _
    
    _Reno: Now, now, sir, they're only joking, really…
    _
    
    Tifa: What's that awful smell?
    
    
    Red: AAH!!! MY SPINACH PUFFS! (runs into the kitchen and comes back in, with a burnt tray and some awful looking green stuff on the tray) Whew! Saved them!
    
    
    Cloud: That's what you saved? It would have been better off being burnt…
    
    
    Red: Hey, Cloud, wanna try some?
    
    
    Tifa: Red! Get the drinks!
    
    
    Red: Drink. Riiiiiight….(shoves drink at Cloud) There you go, YOUR HIGHNESS….
    
    
    Cloud: (sniffs drink) You think I'm this stupid? I ain't drinking this drink!
    
    
    Tifa: CLOUD!
    
    
    Cloud: Okay, okay, (takes the drink) Hey, not bad, tastes like…um…it tastes good! (falls flat on his pudding)
    
    
    Tifa: Ew…oh Red, get rid of his body!
    
    
    Cloud: What were you saying?
    
    
    Red: C-L-O-U-D!
    
    
    Tifa: He's alive!
    
    
    Cloud: Hulawha?
    
    
    Tifa: We were celebrating um…your rule as an emperor!
    
    
    Cloud: (yawns and begins to put on the llama costume) Well, anyway, wassup? How you doin? What's cookin? Oh, wait, I shouldn't ask what's cooking…ew…I don't want to know…
    
    
    Tifa: (whispers) Red, hit him on the head.
    
    
    Red: (looks at his paws) Um…how on earth do I manage that?
    
    
    Tifa: USE THE DAMN POT!
    
    
    Cloud: What about the pot? It's baroque…
    
    
    Red: (smacks him on the head)
    
    
    Cloud: OW! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!
    
    
    Red: (keeps smacking Cloud until he becomes unconsiouc) DIE DIE DIE! Believe me, Cloud, this hurt me more than it hurt you!
    
    
    Tifa: A llama?! He's supposed to be dead!!
    
    
    Red: Hmm…interesting.
    
    
    Tifa: Let me see that vial!
    
    
    Red: Uh…ok…
    
    
    Tifa: This isn't poison! This is extract of Cloud!
    
    
    Red: Then why did he become a llama?
    
    
    Tifa: I have no idea….Take him out of town and finish the job!
    
    
    Red: But…what about my spinach puffs?
    
    
    Tifa: NO!
    
    
    Red: Okay, how about some chocolate cake and some coffee?
    
    
    Tifa: Oh, alright. But after, you have to take him out of town.
    
    
    Red: (stuffs Cloud inside a brown bag) Yeah, I'll make sure he's finished…hehe…
    
    
    Cloud: (points at bag) Guess where I am right now! Uh-huh, in the bag.
    
    
    Red: (gasps) How'd you get out there?!
    
    
    Cloud: I'm only narrating…don't worry, I'm really in the bag.
    
    
    Red: (opens bag and sees Cloud, still unconscious) What the---?
    
    
    Cloud: (shrugs) Another one of those mysteries of life gigs. Anyway, still think I'm not the victim here? Watch, it gets better!
    
    
    Red: (continues to walk around, singing "Lady Marmalade") Voulez-vous cuchere avec moi, se soir….oh baby voulez-vous…
    
    
    Cloud: (groans) Oh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb, and tone-deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
    
    
    Red: Hey, sister, go sister, soul sister….hey um…(places the bag on top of a wagon) There, mission accomplished. (A white robed Vincent appears on the right)
    
    
    Vincent: You're not just going to let him die like that, are you?
    
    
    Red: Vincent? You're my…shoulder angel? What have I done to deserve this? (a red robed Vincent appears on the left)
    
    
    Devil Vincent: Don't listen to that guy! He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!
    
    
    Angel Vincent: Oh, come off it.
    
    
    D. Vincent: You come off it!
    
    
    A. Vincent: You!
    
    
    D. Vincent: You!
    
    
    A. Vincent: You!
    
    
    D. Vincent: You infinity!
    
    
    A. Vincent: Grr…
    
    
    Red: Uh…Vincent, do you know that you are arguing with yourself?
    
    
    D. Vincent: Listen up, big guy, I've got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number One; look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
    
    
    A. Vincent: (looks at his harp) Oh yeah? (pulls out a gun) It's called a harp, dammit! DIE!
    
    
    D. Vincent: YOU CAN'T KILL ME!
    
    
    A. Vincent: Oh, right, I can't. Darn.
    
    
    D. Vincent: Oh, right, that's a harp, and that's a dress. (points at Vincent's white robes)
    
    
    A. Vincent: ROBE!
    
    
    Red: Hehe…it's funny looking….
    
    
    D. Vincent: Number Two; look what I can do…(takes a gun and twirls it around then puts it back) Pretty neat, ain't it?
    
    
    Red: What does that have to do with anything?
    
    
    A. Vincent: No, no, he's got a point.
    
    
    Red: Listen, you guys, you're sort of confusing me, so be gone, or, you know, however I get rid of you guys.
    
    
    Vincent: That'll work.
    
    
    Cloud: Hello? Whatever happened to me?
    
    
    Red: Oh, right….but this is the time when Yuffie comes in and yells cut.
    
    
    Cloud: What? Again?
    
    
    Yuffie: (comes in and yells) CUT!
    
    
    Cloud: Sheesh……
    
    
    _Rufus: Thank goodness, I need a coffee break.
    _
    
    _Reno: Um…we ran out of coffee, sir.
    _
    
    _Rufus: What? No coffee?
    _
    
    _Elena: Nope, all of them drank it.
    _
    
    _Rufus: ARGH! Who invited them in here?
    _
    
    _Rude: The director of the movie, sir.
    _
    
    _Yuffie: You have a problem with my decisions?
    _
    
    _Rufus: (groans) Now I know why this movie is so strange…_
    


	3. Scene 3

Scene 3
    
    
    (Sephiroth comes back in, carrying a wagon with a bag on it)
    
    
    Sephiroth: Think, think, think, what do I do now? I failed my mission to massacre Cloud…
    
    
    Red: (runs after the bag with Cloud inside) Hey! Sephiroth! You, with the bag!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Shut up or I'll smite you!
    
    
    Red: Um…okay, never mind. I hope this doesn't come back to haunt Tifa.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Great, just great. Now Aeris is sure to kill me. (gets back home)
    
    
    (two children are found fighting)
    
    
    Marlene: Mom! Mom! I'm growing! Measure me!
    
    
    Aeris: Oh really? Okay, let's check…
    
    
    Priscilla: Silly, you can't grow in the last two seconds!
    
    
    Aeris: Nope, Priscilla's right, you haven't grown an inch since the last two seconds you were measured.
    
    
    Marlene: Daddy's home!
    
    
    Aeris: (flinches) Is he?
    
    
    Sephiroth: (backs away as his children run to him) Aah! No! Stay back! Away, you children!
    
    
    Marlene and Priscilla: Daddy! Daddy!
    
    
    Aeris: Aww….isn't that cute, Sephiroth? They love you.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Okay, you can both leave me alone now. I SAID NOW!
    
    
    Aeris: Hehe…
    
    
    Marlene: But we wanna stay up late and have you read us fairy tales!
    
    
    Priscilla: Yeah!
    
    
    Sephiroth: If you don't go to sleep now, I will smite you!
    
    
    Marlene and Priscilla: Good night! (runs out)
    
    
    Aeris: (goes back to cooking in the kitchen) So, how was your day in the emperor's castle?
    
    
    Sephiroth: I couldn't kill him.
    
    
    Aeris: You aren't supposed to, Sephiroth. What did he want, though?
    
    
    Sephiroth: Er…he didn't see me today…
    
    
    Aeris: How rude!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Yeah, talk about it.
    
    
    Aeris: If I had been summoned to the castle, I would have summoned Meteor if he didn't see me.
    
    
    Sephiroth: Uh…Aeris…remember something? You're dead. You don't have the Black Materia, I do.
    
    
    Aeris: If I'm dead, then why am I in this movie?
    
    
    Sephiroth: One of those mysteries in life nobody can explain but the author.
    
    
    _Rufus: …
    _
    
    _Cloud: (gasps) Aeris? Plotting against me?
    _
    
    _Tifa: Heck, Cloud, I don't anyone liked you in this movie.
    _
    
    _Rufus: … (asleep)
    _
    
    _Reno: Um…President, sir?_
    
    
    Aeris: Oh, this is frustrating, I think I'm going to go and plant more flowers…
    
    
    Sephiroth: Okay, if that's how you relieve stress. I'm going to go and put that stupid chocobo away. It's been getting on my nerves, trying to tell me that a demon llama inhabits the strange bag that mysteriously appeared in my cart.
    
    
    Aeris: Er…okay…
    
    
    _Rufus: (is finally awake) Is that guy serious?
    _
    
    _Sephiroth: Do you want me to smite you, too?
    _
    
    _Rufus: You should also remember, Sephiroth, that you are also dead, and so am I.
    _
    
    _Author: Ahh…the mysteries of life…you gotta love them.
    _
    
    Sephiroth: (goes outside)
    
    
    Cloud: (comes in front of the camera, scaring the bejesus out of a lot of people) Okay, let's recap this. I am the main character in this story. Not him! Me! Okay, and I'm in that bag. (kicks bag) So don't forget!
    
    
    Sephiroth: (opens bag) Heck, my chocobo was right. There is a demon llama. And look! It looks exactly like Cloud! Maybe I can take my anger out this animal…hehe…(touches hair)
    
    
    Cloud: NO TOUCHY!
    
    
    Sephiroth: AAAH!! DEMON CLOUD!
    
    
    Cloud: Demon Cloud? Where? AAAH!
    
    
    (both men panic and run around for a while and Cloud finally hits his head in the fence)
    
    
    Sephiroth: Um…okay, demon Cloud, whatever I did to insult you, I will gladly pay for it if you just leave!
    
    
    Cloud: I'm no demon Cloud! I' the emperor!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Oh…(eyes flash) Oh……..hehehe…
    
    
    Cloud: Hey! You're the whiny peasant who won't do anything but kill people!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Yeah, and what's it to you?
    
    
    Cloud: You turned me into a llama!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Hey, that wasn't a bad idea. Who did this anyway?
    
    
    Cloud: Don't lie to me! I know you did it!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Why would I turn you into a llama?
    
    
    Cloud: I haven't figured that part out yet. But you're the criminal mastermind! (thinks) Wait…that's giving you too much credit there. Well, Tifa's got a secret lab somewhere in the palace. I'll just go there and have her turn me back into a human.
    
    
    Sephiroth: All you gotta do is take that stupid llama costume out, you know.
    
    
    Cloud: Ah, shaddup!
    
    
    (Yuffie comes in, with a chocobo waving two signs: "CENSORED" and "VULGAR LANGUAGE IS NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE DIRECTOR BUT YOU CAN ALL BLAME SHINRA FOR THIS STUFF")
    
    
    _Rufus: HEY!
    _
    
    Cloud: Now, let's go. I've gotta get back to the castle.
    
    
    Sephiroth: I don't think so. First of all, before I help you, you've got to build your little Cloud-O-Topia somewhere else. Second, after I help you, you have to give your life up and surrender to me.
    
    
    Cloud: (makes a wrong buzzing sound) NO! I don't make deals with evil people who might just summon up Meteor!
    
    
    Sephiroth: Fine, then look for your palace yourself.
    
    
    Cloud: Okay, fine!
    
    
    Sephiroth: I've gotta warn you, though. The road is very dangerous.
    
    
    Cloud: NOT LISTENING!
    
    
    _Author: Actually, the palace and the village are two yards apart. If Cloud had only turned to the right direction, he wouldn't have been so lost.
    _
    
    _Rufus: (mutters) Figures.
    _
    
    _Cloud: Hey! Nobody told me that!
    _
    
    _Sephiroth: (snickers)
    _
    
    _Yuffie: Thus, the movie becomes even more interesting.
    _
    
    Sephiroth: Suit yourself. If you die, I'll be really happy.
    
    
    Cloud: (leaves)
    
    
    Aeris: (comes out) Now, now, Sephiroth. You know you have to save him later.
    
    
    Sephiroth: What? And get myself in danger?
    
    
    Aeris: YOU BETTER GET GOING, MISTER!
    
    
    Sephiroth: FINE! (mutters) How come I'm the good guy in this movie? (leaves)
    
    
    Aeris: Ahh…peace and quiet around here.
    


	4. Scenes 4, 5, and 6

~I noticed there was something wrong with the er...text (you had to scroll all the way to the right to read it. Hopefully, it's not happening in this chapter. Oh well... here's three scenes! They were short enough to put together. ^-^

Scene 4 

(Cloud is walking deeper into the jungle.) 

Cloud: Dangerous road, humph. (sees a cardboard leaf) Ooh, a leaf. Er…it might try to attack me.  
(sees a tree, with Cid standing inside of it.) Hey, I see a tree. Cid, why are you inside there? 

Cid: To @#&$($% attack you. Why else would I be in this @#($$!) tree in this @*($#@ movie?! Now go back to your @)#*$@ lines! 

Cloud. Now, where was I? (runs away from the tree) As emperor I know where I'm going. HEY!  
WHY THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO RUN AROUND A 2-YARD STAGE FOR?! This is like going in circles… 

(Cid runs in, panting, and wearing a fly costume) 

Cid: (squeaky voice) Help me! Help me! 

Cloud: Wha? 

Cid: @)#*#! Help me already! (sees an oncoming Vincent, who looks very angry) AHH!! HELP ME! HELP ME! 

(music from the twilight zone starts playing, as Vincent comes and turns into Galian beast, shredding Cid's fly costume to bits) 

Cloud: Oh, gosh dang, horrid! 

Rufus: (spits coke out and starts laughing) Gosh dang? AHAHAHAHA! 

Cid: Too late. (cowers under Vincent) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spear your harp…..I didn't mean it… 

Cloud: …Okay. That was the freakiest thing I ever saw. Come to think of it, Barret singing was the freakiest thing I ever saw,  
but anyway…(sees a chocobo with some grass and the chocobo gives Cloud a piece of grass) Aw…for me? You shouldn't have. 

Chocobo: Wark! 

Cloud: (takes the grass and sticks it up the chocobo's mouth) 

Chocobo: War----k! 

Cloud: Hit the road, Bucky! (at this point, he wakes up a bunch of lions that were just rented for the day)  
What the! Yuffie! YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT DANGEROUS ANIMALS! 

Yuffie: You never asked! (evil laughter) 

Cloud: AAH!! No, no, get away! (is running around, screaming like a girl) Where the hell are their cages?! 

Sephiroth: (with his Xena war-like cry) MEEEEEETEEEEEOOOOR!!  
(swoops in and kills all the lions and turns to Cloud, saying in a monotone voice) Don't worry, Cloud. I saved you from the flaming pits of death… 

Cloud: (sees a stage door opening, and more lions come out) Umm…maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing,  
but this, to me, might be considered a step backwards, wouldn't you say? 

Sephiroth: Ah, shaddup. I'm not even here to rescue you. I'm just here to dish out my anger, and appease the woman up on that damn hill. 

(Cloud and Sephiroth begin to run, and they "conveniently" fall, trip, and get tied up into a log which is heading towards a waterfall.) 

Cloud: I hate you. 

Sephiroth: Don't we all. (sees the bottom of the waterfall and starts to break out in laughter) 

Cloud: Let me guess. We're about to go over a huge waterfall. 

Sephiroth: Yup. 

Cloud: Sharp rocks at the bottom? 

Sephiroth: Hell yeah! Bring it on, baby! Woohooo! 

Cloud: (screams his lights out) AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! 

Sephiroth: AHAHAHAHA!!! BOO-YAH!! 

(they fall two inches into the water, and the log they were tied to "conveniently" breaks apart and almost drowns Cloud,  
while Sephiroth is watching, enjoying the view) 

Sephiroth: Die, die, die, you son of a #(&!@# 

Aeris: (popping up in the air from out of nowhere) SEPHIROTH!!! 

Sephiroth: FINE! (drags Cloud on the surface, not caring if the poor guy's head was knocked out on a bunch of rocks.  
He shakes Cloud but couldn't wake him, probably because the poor guy was knocked out…) Damn it, wake up. Aeris will kill me… 

Cloud: … 

Aeris: (cackles evilly) I think you have to give Cloud a little mouth to mouth resuscitation. 

Sephiroth: Ew! NO! I don't want to! Why don't you do it?! 

Aeris: That's because I'm a figment of your imagination. You think I'm here, but I'm really not… 

Sephiroth: ARGH! FINE!!! SHEESH! (begins to get closer, when Cloud opens his eyes and jumps back) 

Cloud: AAAH!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!! 

Sephiroth: AAAAAH!!!! 

Rufus: (spits coffee out and laughs hysterically) AHAHAHA!!! NOW THIS IS FUNNY! 

Cloud and Sephiroth: … 

Sephiroth: (washing his sword) I told you, I'm not gay. 

Cloud: Yeah, right. That's what they all say, but that was disgusting.  
And if you would have listened to me you would have spared us your little problem…. 

Sephiroth: I AM NOT GAY! 

Cloud: But since you're here now, you're going to have to take me back to my palace. And then I'll start construction on Cloud-O-Topia. 

Sephiroth: Your damn palace is right behind you. 

Cloud: Uh-huh (not believing) Sure…..now, why would I believe that? 

Sephiroth: Because deep down, you're an idiot, and you know that. 

Cloud: And that's…bad? 

Sephiroth: Well, yeah. Nobody is this stupid. But, you're an exception. 

Cloud: (thinks about it for a second) Hey…aww…just shut up, man. And take me back to my palace! 

Sephiroth: I told you! You're damn palace is behind you! 

Cloud: You know what? Fine! Screw you! I'll find it myself! 

Rufus: He is the most idiotic guy I've ever seen. Doesn't he see his castle behind him? 

Cloud: Hey! Watch what you're saying, buster! 

Rufus: You're forgetting, I'm the President of Shinra Corporations! 

Barrett: Who gives a @*&)$%? 

Scene 5 

(Tifa and Red XIII are standing in front of a bunch of cardboard audiences) 

Tifa: (crying through her veil) And so…(sniff)…we mourn…the emperor's death…(stops talking because she is filled with too much emotion) 

Red: Gee, Tifa, you're playing your part pretty well. 

Tifa: (glares) Don't you want to make this believable or not? Now shut up! (to the cardboard audience) Er…his legacy will… 

Red: Stay in our hearts… 

Tifa: …FOREVER! Okay, now let's get crackin'. Where's that seat that Cloud threw me out of?  
I wanna sit on it and relish the fact that he's dead. He is dead, right, Red? 

Red: Of course he is! (puts his innocent look up) Dead as a llama should be dead.  
Or, as Barrett might say, "the foo ain't getting' any @(#&$# deader ain't he?!" 

Tifa: You scare me. Don't do any more of your impressions. And…hopefully Cloud IS dead as you say. 

Red: Er…yep. 

Tifa: Is he? 

Red: Is who what? 

Tifa: Is Cloud dead? I want the truth! 

Red: It wasn't my fault! It was my shoulder angel, Vincent! And, come to think of it, my shoulder devil, Vincent… 

Tifa: How is Vincent your shoulder angel and devil? 

Red: That's what I asked him. But the two of them kept quarreling. And then Cloud's bag was thrown out of my hands. 

Tifa: We have to find him! Come on! 

Scene 6 

Marlene: Ahh!! DADDY! LLAMAS ARE EVERYWHERE! 

Aeris: Marlene! What's happened? 

Marlene: I dreamed that daddy was gay. 

Sephiroth: I AM NOT GAY! 

Marlene: And that they were gonna die from a fake waterfall. And, to save the talking llama, daddy had to give it CPR. 

Aeris: Ew…yuck… 

Priscilla: You idiot, there is no such thing as a talking llama. It was Cloud dressed up in a llama costume. 

Marlene: Was not! 

Priscilla: Was too! 

Marlene: Was not! 

Priscilla: Shut up! 

Aeris: Alright! The two of you , please be quiet! You're both giving me a headache. 


End file.
